Respect vs. Respectful Behavior

We all want our kids to respect us as parents. But how do we get the respect we deserve? How do we get our kids to treat us with respect? Why do we need them to respect us?

These are some tough questions and like most parents, you probably have more like them. Let’s look at respect and try to get some perspective on what it is and what it isn’t.

First, respect is a feeling. We cannot demand or force others to feel a certain way about us. This includes our kids. As much as we may want them to respect us, we simply cannot make them.

So what do we do? We earn their respect.

Does that mean we have to earn the right to be treated respectfully? Absolutely not! Respect and respectful behavior are two different things. We may not be able to demand our kids’ respect, but we can expect them to treat us respectfully. And we should! In the home, while our kids are growing and learning, we represent authority. We should be training our kids to treat us with the same respect we would expect them to treat their teachers, police officers, store clerks, and really anyone they encounter.

So how do we do this? Well, if we have the opportunity to begin when they are young, we can model respectful behavior. When they give us something, we can say thank you. We can ask something of them, we can say please. We can model speaking respectfully to them, and they will pick up on those behaviors.

What is considered respectful can differ vastly from home to home. As parents, we have to decide what respectful behaviors we will expect from our children, and we have to teach those behaviors. Teaching requires modeling, explaining, reminding, and sometimes a consequence. If we expect our child to speak respectfully to us without yelling, cursing, name-calling, etc, then we have to set boundaries around that. And we must consistently stick to the boundaries.

For example, I don't allow my kids to speak to me in a rude tone of voice. So after I have taught them this, if they do it, I remind them. They do not get to speak rudely to me and then have me respond. If they continue speaking rudely to me, I have them take a minute to calm down in their room, allowing them to come out when they feel like they can talk to me in a respectful way. Then we can try again. Speaking rudely is a behavior. I can absolutely expect not to be treated rudely by my kids.

But what about respect? Again, I cannot expect or require my kids to respect me. 

So how do we earn our kids respect?

There are many ways we can do that, but here are a few that will get you on the right path. 

Respect their thoughts and opinions. As long as they're communicating in a respectful way, allow them to share their thoughts and opinions with you. And listen. Don’t brush them off. 

Be consistent and follow through. If you say you are going to do something, then do it. Don’t make empty promises. Don’t make promises to appease them in the moment only to back out later. 

Treat those around you with respect. Treat your spouse, your kids, other adults, basically everyone with respect. When they see you respecting others, not only will their respect for you will increase, they will likely imitate you. 

Live with integrity. Your kids are watching how you live. Your actions speak to your character. Make sure your actions show integrity. 

Pour into your family. Put in some time and effort with your family. When kids see that you genuinely want to spend time with them and are interested in them, it means something. 

Be a leader. Lead with humility. Let your decisions be made with your family in mind. Be fair and consistent. Don’t be afraid to make the tough decisions, but do so with gentleness and grace. 

Respect is an interesting thing. It takes time to earn, but can be lost in one single action. 

It may not seem important to earn your kids’ respect when they are only knee high, but we are not parenting for the “right now.” We are parenting for the future. We want to have our kids' respect when they are 16 and leaving the house on their own. But 16 is too late to start earning their respect. We have to start early and be consistent. 

Respectful behavior: Teach it. Expect it. 

Respect: Earn it. Start early.