Four Basics of Discipline
Discipline is a teaching tool, but many times the teaching part gets left out. As parents, we tend to go straight from the telling to the punishment. And many times, punishment is dealt from frustration or anger. So parents end up with a child who has learned to manipulate the land mine of punishment rather than a disciplined child.
These four basics of discipline will help you create some peace in your home and set foundations that you can continue to build on throughout your parenting journey.
Discipline is a teaching tool, but many times the teaching part gets left out. As parents, we tend to go straight from the telling to the punishment. And many times, punishment is dealt from frustration or anger. So parents end up with a child who has learned to manipulate the land mine of punishment rather than a disciplined child.
These four basics of discipline will help you create some peace in your home and set foundations that you can continue to build on throughout your parenting journey.
The first one, teaching, is an important aspect of discipline. We have to teach our children everything: our expectations, how to deal with disappointment, how to talk to people, how to argue, how to clean their rooms, the list goes on. The same goes for our expectations. Before we give consequences for something, we must be sure to teach the correct behavior. Often, when we take the time to teach the correct behavior, there is never a need for a consequence. Most kids want to please and do the right thing, they just haven't been taught how.
So if there is something your child is doing wrong, start with teaching him the correct behavior. If you want your child to follow directions, then tell him that. And keep reminding him, over and over. Saying something once does not make it the norm. Teaching is reminding and redirecting. Do a lot of it before you get to the consequence part.
The second one, consistency, is so, so important! It is so hard when we are trying to cook, finish an email, or have a conversation and our kiddo does something he is not supposed to do. It is much easier to just ignore him and go back to what we were doing. But consistency is part of discipline. A big part! When we make a rule, then that is the rule every time. If we ignore the rule when we are busy or tired, then we are teaching our children to read our mood. We are teaching them that they can behave a certain way when we are showing certain signs.
It is no easy feat to be consistent with our boundaries and discipline, but it is truly important to our learning children that we stick with it. Not only do we need to be consistent with our boundaries, we need to be consistent day in and day out. It takes time for kids to learn boundaries. They will test them, sometimes over and over again. We have to be ready to dig in and keep going. Teaching them that we mean what we say not only creates strong boundaries, but it sets the foundation for building trust.
Third is continuity. Both parents should work to be on the same page. Kids are smart. They know when you are not on the same page and will play you against each other. At two, kids will already begin with things like, "Daddy said I could" when mom has told her no. It is not a very complicated plan, but at two she is already learning to use mom and dad against each other.
One rule that helps with this is that "mommy says what daddy says" and vice versa. Also, try to avoid correcting each other or disagreeing on decisions in front of them. Yes, disagree in front of them and show them how it is done respectfully, but not when it comes to decisions about them or discipline. Discussing things ahead of time helps alleviate this, but if you walk in and your spouse is telling them that they will not go to the park if they talk back and you don't agree, save it for later and back him up. Discuss it and get on the same page in private.
The fourth, is time. This is tough, but so important. Kids crave your attention and will get it any way they can. It is much better to give it to them freely, than to be forced into it by their bad behavior, and they will act out to get your attention. This can be relly difficult when so many things are competing for your time.
One tool that can be helpful is compartmentalizing. Establish work time, you time, and kid time. Work time is for anything not fun...work, housework, bills, etc. You time is anything you enjoy doing to relax and recharge; reading, praying, napping, bible study, etc. Kid time is quality time with the kids. Anything that they can do with you, where they feel included, seen and heard is good. Establishing clear boundaries and a schedule, will help you avoid the the daily battle of balancing your workload and spending time with your kids.
These things are hard and take time, but we are parenting for the future, not the right now. Our kids may hang on to every word we say now, but as they mature, our voices will be competing with many others. If we take the time to prepare soil for them by parenting with intention, then we can foster a trusting and open relationship that will make a difference when they are older.
