Stages of Parenting
Parenting is much more than keeping kids alive. I was unaware of this when I first began, but thankfully I quickly learned that there is so much more to it. One of the most helpful things to know has been the stages of parenting. There are several versions of this idea. Ellen Galinsky created The Six Stages of Parenthood, while Focus on the Family gives The Five Stages of Parenting. I have created my stages based loosely on Focus on the Family's idea.
Whoever you agree with, it is important to understand that there is a process of maturing that happens, and understanding that process is important to parenting. Knowing the stages of maturity that children go through, and how to parent in each stage will give you more confidence as a parent.
Below, I will highlight the stages and give a brief summary of each one. Though each stage includes a time frame, keep in mind that the age ranges are approximate. Kids develop differently, so they will go through the stages at slightly different ages.
Nurturer - Birth to one year
During this time a baby needs to know that she is safe. Your job is to create a safe space for your child and meet all her needs. There is much research now showing that going to a baby when he or she cries, even during sleep times, develops a strong bond between the child and caregiver. The more confident a baby is that her needs will be met, the more confident she becomes as a youth.
Boundaries - Ages one to five
This is the time when children start to test boundaries. It is okay and even natural for them to do this. During this time, you will need to set clear and consistent boundaries and establish yourself as their authority. Children don’t necessarily need to understand why you have rules, they just need to learn to trust and to obey you. This doesn't mean that you never give them a reason. It means that you don't get caught up in an argument or debate about your boundaries. Consistency is key during this time. If you set a boundary, then it needs to be a boundary every time. This stage is physically and mentally challenging, but it is also foundational. Putting in the time and effort during this stage lays the foundation for success in the future stages.
Training the Heart -Ages six to twelve
In this stage of parenting, you will begin to teach the heart of the child. This is the time that you give your children the “why” behind the “what.” You will begin explaining why you have certain rules, why it is important to act a certain way, how things work in society (ie, the real world). It is during this stage that the child begins to take ownership of obedience. In order to do this, they need to understand the why. Conversations are important during this time. Look for teachable moments, and use those to help your child understand the importance of whatever you are teaching him. It is also highly important that you listen to your child. Hear and respect his opinions.
Coaching - Ages thirteen to eighteen
This is the stage of parenting where you should be able to begin stepping back and allowing the child to make some decisions. You take the role of coach: you give advice but allow the child to make the ultimate decision. You also allow the child to suffer the consequences of bad decisions. In doing so, you are allowing the child to learn valuable lessons that will translate into real world abilities. As your child matures, the teachable moments are deeper and more critical. To help with this, keep the correcting to a minimum. If your child correlates your voice to constant correction, then he will learn to tune it out. You want your child to hear your voice as you give advice.
Mentoring - Ages eighteen to job or marriage
Once your kids are 18 or older; they should be living their lives. Your children will need your help and advice often as they grow and mature. The goal of this stage is to be the mentor they need. This means refrain from telling them what they should do and from judging the decisions they make. They will likely still make some mistakes and when they do, be supportive but disengaged. They are fully responsible for their lives capable of solving their problems. Your job here is to give advice only when asked and without judging. This will lay the groundwork for the next stage.
Friendship - Job or marriage and beyond
During this stage, your children are established as adults and coming into their own. They are confident and well-rounded and will start looking to you less for advice (though they will never completely stop seeking your wisdom) and more for friendship. Enjoy this time of companionship with them and allow them to be your equal. Though in many ways they will always be your children, in other ways they have come into their own and deserve respect for that. You have worked hard to raise them intentionally and confidently. Enjoy this time of friendship!
